So you have an electronic life. Let’s see what happens. Last night you went to a ‘retirement’ party at the office. (A retirement party is given to folks who actually work at a company long enough to qualify. Relax It will never happen to you!) You had too much to drink and came home in a cab.
7:30 AM
Your Smart Phone wakes you up to begin a new day in your connected life. You wake up this morning feeling like you have been devoured by Godzilla and crapped off a cliff. You crawl to the bathroom with your smart phone and try to check your messages. Your hands are shaking and so your smart phone fires up the Phone Doctor app. You grip the phone,(the sharp sensation you feel is the bloodwork probe), and click on the Medic Alert App.
As a result of this app your smart phone dials up your doctor, and sends it’s information to his Doctor 2000 program which, compares your symptoms against its database for you. (standard connect time charges apply) Since your symptoms are vague, the Doctor 2000 Program has your smart phone snap a picture of you and sends it to the Doctor 2000 program for analysis. Since your phone snapped your photo, your ‘Its My Life’ app logs in to your Friendbook page and posts it to your wall with a catchy Good Morning!
The Doctor 2000 program thinks you have the flu. You need drugs. It writes a prescription, emails it to the pharmacy, which fills the prescription, and sends Harry the delivery boy to your house with the life saving drugs. It also texts a note to your work outlining your preliminary diagnosis, and informs them that you will not be in this morning.
Since you belong to a (HMO)Health Maintenance Organization, they receive an email to their database, notifying them that you are sick, and will adjust your premium accordingly. Your HMO sends an email to your HR Department informing them of this change and notifying the company that their premiums are going up.
7:35 AM
In the blood work was a high blood alcohol content reading, (We know it was a retirement party), but the Doctor 2000 program flags your file, and an email is sent to the nearest AA chapter, which dials your phone with a prerecorded message urging you to attend the next meeting which is starting in 15 min.
7:40AM
Since ‘meeting’ is one of the keywords on your phone, the “Its My Life” app fires out a message to your Friendbook page telling your ‘friends’ that you have a meeting, which fires up the Friendbook AdBug program and takes your new morning photo and creates an Ad for a money saving coupon for coffee at the nearest Startrucks coffee shop, and pops it up on all of your friends pages.
Your twizzle text app, sends a message to all of your twizzler buddies updating them on your condition.
7:50 AM
The knocking on your door is Harry from the drugstore with your prescription. Your wired house sensing that you are still in the bathroom lets Harry in. Since the drugstore is delivering, it has already texted the bill to your HMO, which has sucked the deductible out of your bank account, as well as the next premium increase. Your HMO file is flagged and you receive an email and a text message asking if you have dealt with your alcohol problem with a map and list of the nearest 100 AA meetings. (standard connect time charges apply)
“Its My Life” fires off an email to your Friendbook page with a number of links to 12 step and recovery websites. Twizzler updates your condition with a link to your Friendbook page. With the keywords recovery and 12 step, you receive 200 new ‘friend’ requests to which your Friendbook Page automatically accepts on your behalf.
8:00AM
Since your phone is busy updating and accepting your 200 new ‘friends’, your calls are routed to your Media Control TV.
Your television turns on and adjusts the volume up as you are still puking your guts out in the bathroom. Your set top box screams you’ve got mail! It is an infommercial from the drugstore on tips for dealing with the flu, thanking you for shopping, and offering you more products to help you get back on track. The printer starts pumping out Money Saving Coupons.
Another window opens up in your tv, from the Medic Alert Internet App Company offering to send you the Upgraded Medic Alert 2001 app. Since you have not responded in 30 seconds to this offer, it is shipped instantly (just like the book clubs) and your bank account is debited for the first of 300 EZ payments. Your phone gets a confirmation text outlining your purchase, and starts updating your phone which gives all incoming messages lower priority and sends them to your email account., which forwards them to your TV. Your Medic Alert reboots your phone, and has determined that you are still barfing, so it tells the House to direct Harry to your location. Harry administers the life giving products and helps you back to your bed. He snaps a photo to send to his ‘friends’
Since your phone has updated, it fires up your twizzle app and lets everybody know that you have the new Medic Alert 2001 app. Your Friendbook network seeing your twizzle update, post this info to your page. Your friends post back wishing you luck and good wishes to get well soon. Since Medic Alert is a Valued Partner of Friendbook, another ad is created and posted on your friends pages.
8:01AM
The New Medic Alert app rescans your sample and has determined that there are virus particles on the floor,(yes, you are a bad shot), and emails the Daisy HouseKeepers(a Valued Partner), to come and clean your bathroom. Your Friendbook Page creates another Ad and sends it out to all of your ‘friends’.
Since the virus particles on your floor are similar to the Public Health Watch List, Your Name and address is posted on the Public Health website and a Health Alert is posted to your neighbors, by text and email. Your Friendbook Page updates your page with this information.
Your Friendbook page tells the Friendbook Ad Manager that a health keyword has been posted. There is a glitch in the dictionary and a Testimonial Herpes Ad is created using the photo Harry took of you puking the the Bathroom, and it is sent out to all your friends and everybody else who has either health or herpes on their pages.
Your Media Control TV is plugged into the rest of your house and your pantry is queried and you are found to be woefully lacking in the proper disinfectants to ensure a good job. An emergency email is sent to your grocery store for the products needed to abate this now a Biological Hazard Cleanup. These products are dispatched at once! Again your bank account is debited for this. Your twizzle app sends out a message letting everybody know that you may be infectious, and not to stop by. Harry meanwhile waiting for confirmation of payment, grabs some of your bandwidth to check his Friendbook Page, and finds that you are now his newest ‘friend’ who has just sent him ads from your Friendbook page. He tries to unfriend you, but the connection is poor and the network traffic at Friendbook is rising at a phenomenal rate.
8:10AM
There is a knock on the door. It is Daisy to Clean. Your house permits her to enter. Her pager goes off. It is a alert that this is not a mop and glow situation, but HazMat. The house directs her to the kitchen, to wait for the delivery from the grocery store. The coffee pot starts and the house offers her a cup of coffee while she waits. Meanwhile, since the situation has changed from her original dispatch, her time and material program starts the meter running. Because Daisy has a Friendbook page, it gets updated, and automatically ‘friends’ you. All of your ‘friends’ get a money saving coupon from Daisy. Since Daisy now has you for a friend, Harry is added to the list, and begins receiving money saving offers from Daisy as they sit at the table.
She talks with Harry, who is waiting for confirmation from the drugstore of receipt of the co-pay from your bank account. He is brought into the loop regarding your Hazmat Cleanup, he grabs his palmtop and emails the drugstore for gloves, gowns, shoe covers, and Biohazard ”DO NOT CROSS” tape. This flags the drugstore program, which by law must report this group of products as a Bio Hazard, emailing the Local Health Department. Harry updates his twizzle page which gets picked up by his Friendbook page which automatically ‘friends’ you and Daisy. More Ads and Money Saving Coupons.
Your Friendbook app has seen the twizzle update and has posted the Health Department Notice on your page. Since you have received an email from the Health Department, your Doctor 2000 app emails your HMO and your work.
8:20AM
There is a knock at the door. It is the grocery store with cleaning supplies and a loaf of bread. (you were running low) It is left on the stoop with a flyer asking you to check out their Friendbook Page and including Money Saving Coupons. Meanwhile you are back in the bathroom puking again.
8:40AM
There is another knock at the door. It is the Health Dept. Biohazard Response Team. They are all wearing Level 4 Racal BioHazard suits, as the email they received said that your flu virus had not been classified at the time of dispatch. They meet Harry and Daisy and move them into the kitchen for testing.
8:45AM
Your phone is busy receiving confirmations from your bank, drugstore, grocery store, twizzles, and updates from your Friendbook page. Since the health department has priority, your TV goes off again with new messages, Notification from the Health Dept. regarding your Biohazard, and notifying you that your neighbors on both sides have been emailed regarding the developing situation in your house from Daisy, the grocery store, (Your printer starts printing money saving coupons). Your phone company sends you a text telling you that your Unlimited Plan minutes and data has been exceeded and you are now on the Premium by the byte and second plan.
The Biohazard Team sets up an Isolation unit in your kitchen to test Daisy and Harry for Possible Infection.
The team leader enters your bedroom to interview you to determine the possible cause and source of your illness. But you are in the bathroom again. Based on these answers, your work is sent an alert to quarantine all of the folks at the retirement party. Your company sends you an email requesting that you call in to update them on your Health Status. ‘Health Status’ is another keywork which fires up your ‘Its My Life’ app, and updates your Friendbook page, and sends alerts to all of your ‘friends’ including the 200 new ones you made in the last hour.
8:50AM
Your TV goes off again with new messages from the drugstore (More money saving coupons) and your doctor. You have an appointment at the Clinic at 9:30AM. You have also received a message from your works HR Department requiring you to make an appointment to see your doctor. Your Doctor 2000 app tells your phone to retest you.
9:30AM
Daisy and Harry test negative for infection. But until the Health Department is finished, they will need to stay. The drugstore has delivered the bio hazard supplies, and the cleanup begins.
9:45AM
Your tv goes off again with a message from your doctor rescheduling your appointment in 2 weeks. Another message arrives from your HMO canceling your coverage due to the fact you did not make your doctor appointment, nor did you request the appointment in writing 5 business days prior. Your personal Lawyer 2000 program files suit in court to overturn this decision.
10:00 AM
Your Lawyer 2000 program informs you that your suit was denied. Your drugstore, re bills you for the balance of your prescription and HazMat supplies. You receive an email alert from your bank notifying that your balance is below the free checking limit and you will be billed accordingly.
Your work’s HR department sends you an email letting you know that your coverage has been canceled, and your wages are being garnished to pay these bills and an invoice from your company for accounting and payroll services. These charges are automatically deducted from your checking account.
The new Medic Alert 2001 arrives. The Biohazard team leader plugs it in. It retests you and alerts the Doctor 2000 program that new information has arrived. The new information states that you have a hangover from the party last night, (elevated alcohol levels) and not the flu as previously thought.
Since you no longer have medical coverage, your bank account is debited 300.00 for the consultation, 600.00 for lab work and 300.00 for paperwork. Your Finance 2000 program notifies you that your checking account is overdrawn. Your bank account has kicked in the overdraft protection feature of your account and sucked your savings dry.
You are still short. Your Finance 2000 Program applies for a loan to cover the shortfall and to cover the returned check charges. The Banker 2000 program in reviewing your recent banking activities, grants you the loan by placing a lien on your house, car and computer.
10:05
Your house 2000 program informs you that the medic alert 2000 had a software bug that caused bogus results. It informs the Lawyer 2000 program which starts suing everone in sight. But your lawyer 2000 program requires office expenses up front.
It examines your finances and determines you need money. It arranges with the bank to put your house, car and computer up for Auction. When you signed up for online banking one of the Terms and Conditions was a Power of Attorney buried in the boilerplate.
Keyword ‘sale’ updates your Friendbook Page and Twizzler alerts are sent out.
10:10AM
Your tv opens up new windows and informs you that your house, car and computer have sold!
You are still short, as the proceeds did not cover your outstanding debts. Dure to the recent activity your credit score has dropped and your credit card companies send you a new payment schedule
10:11AM
Your lawyer 2000 programs files bankruptcy protection on your behalf. Too late. another software bug.
10:15AM
The Police arrive with a Vacate the Premises order. Due to the War on Terror and having Bio Hazard tape around your house, the police run everybody’s ID. Daisy is arrested for unpaid parking tickets. Harry is given a clean bill of health and goes back to work.
On the way out the Repossion company is hooking up your car, handing you a bill of sale, and a Payment Demand from the Finance Company. Daisy’s Friendbook Page updates with her arrest and your photo is dumped on the front page as a deadbeat.
11:00AM
The new owners attempt to enter, but cannot because the health dept. has not recalled the Biohazard alert. It’s there, but due to the increased message traffic across the net, the message is stuck waiting to send.
Their Lawyer 2000 program sues for breach of contract.
NOON.
Your headache is gone, your house is clean and gone, your car and computer are gone. Your last emails are from the Employment service, the bank, the lawyer 2000 program informing you that all of your suits have been denied, and Welcome messages from the 20 new creditors you have acquired in the course of this mornings events.
Waiting outside are your new AA friends, and the neighbors in paper coveralls from the decontamination showers, carrying torches and yard implements screaming ” that’s the guy with the Internet House”! Behind them are Process Servers to collect money on behalf of your 20 new creditors. Also is a message canceling your Friendbook and Twizzler accounts, for various high crimes and misdemeanors, and a text message from your phone company disconnecting your service for exceeding your bandwidth and listing the 1300 un friending messages, the slashdotting of your friendbook page, and a termination notice from your employer.
The Police have returned with a number of warrants for your arrest on charges ranging from disturbing the peace to wire fraud.
But, you have many dollars in money saving coupons.
Everybody thinks that this is just an iconic action hero movie, which it is, but it is a Christmas movie.
A couple of years go by, and John McClane celebrates Christmas in Washington DC.
A warm tale of an amnesiac recovering her memories and juggling home life with saving the world.
Billy Bob Thorton will warm your heart.
A slasher movie that will douse any holiday spirit around.
Arnold saves the world from ultimate evil.